I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
