Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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