I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i drank out of a bidet.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
