omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
