his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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