I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
