I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
