im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
