idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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