Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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