You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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