if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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