I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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