in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Your topless pictures make me question reality
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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