just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
