there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
