Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
