Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
