So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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