if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
