god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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