I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
