he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
