My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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