So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
