There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
