dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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