once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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