WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
