Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
We need a shit load of segways right now
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
