my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
