The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
