I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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