He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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