I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
