I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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