I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize