I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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