i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
