My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
