So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I just forgot I was standing up.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
