If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
