My cat gives me a boner
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize