The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
