can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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