Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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