I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
