I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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