the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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