Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
