there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We are all done wearing pants today
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize