Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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