i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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