eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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