i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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