he fucked my hip out of place.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize