Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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