It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
