I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
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