im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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