ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize