These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
