I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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